Mirror

I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor this morning pondering things like, is it acceptable to eat chips and guacamole for breakfast and 50 ways I could eat a fried egg. I brought my coffee in there to help me gain perspective but I ended up looking up at the water stained mirror, realizing that a bath mat is not the most comfortable place to sit. I could take a shower and use the bathroom for what it was intended for, but that would completely defeat the purpose.

A couple of years ago I thought that it would be wise to hop on a plane and fly into Canada where I could make a life for myself hiking and building huts in the forest. That same year I called my dog a jerk and didn't feel bad about it at all.

It was my birthday in 2006 and it wasn't until I got to the elevator that I noticed he must have been trying to catch up with me once our class had dismissed. "Happy Birthday" he spoke, slightly out of breath. I just said thanks, flashed him a smile because it felt appropriate, and stepped into the elevator without another word. Years later he brought me a present to share and I responded with anger and obscene gestures. That was the one day I made him cry, and I know I'll never stop feeling like a terrible person whenever I remember that day.

More and more I use humor to deflect situations where I might actually have to open up about myself. I fear getting close to people because someday they'll be gone. I've avoided the red-handled tool I once sought comfort with, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it from time to time. My aunt taught me that top-the-tater is a wonderful dip for Nacho Cheese Doritos, and that's something I think about all the time.

Recently I began eating salad for lunch and I liked it so much I went out and bought two more containers of sunburst tomatoes even though I still had three unopened containers in the fridge. I prefer to run errands early in the morning, and sometimes it's better with just a little bit of green.

The coffee has gotten cooler. Perhaps it's time to drive.