I've been sitting on some thoughts for a while now. I contemplated writing some sort of vague blog post, but it's not really my style. I contemplated not blogging at all - I mean who really needs or wants to read this crap anyways? But as I find myself continuing to fall deeper into the sewers I think I need a place to vent, to write and share what's truly on my mind. Truthfully, I'm scared I'm going to be lost otherwise.
I've been frightened by myself lately - who is this person? Why is she still sitting on the couch? Why is she wearing dirty clothes when there are freshly laundered clothes hanging in the closet? Why is she moping around the house drinking all the beer and taking all the pills? Why is she punching the pillows and crying through eight boxes of kleenex on a Sunday morning when the sun is shining and she should be outside? Who IS this person that doesn't want to hold a conversation, but would rather drown the thoughts out of her head with music? Why must she wish for the darkness and shake her fists at the sun? Why is the depression so much harder than it's ever been before?
Why is this my life right now?
Please forgive my honestly and bluntness, but I just don't care anymore. Every day I have more rage and I don't know how to cope, and the only thing I can think to fix it is to vomit these words all over this page. Screw these secrets for making me feel like I'm hiding in my own body. Fuck holding onto this any longer - I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of these days in June all humid and sweaty. Bring on the thunderstorm and crack all the trees in two. Finally then the earth will be as broken as I feel on the inside. I'm just so tired of pretending.
It started with piss and it ended with blood, and never in a million years would I have guessed that two bodily fluids would cause me to run through such a wide spectrum of feelings. It was so promising to think that this was finally happening in our lives. Such happiness and joy.
We were finally going to have a baby.
But in only what felt like an instant, life passed by us with the suddenness of wind. Now it's as if my every other thought returns to that day, and the blind happiness I held has vanished completely. Too often I'm sitting on the floor hugging my knees to my chest, head buried deep while trying to hold back the tears. Too often I'm telling myself to just fucking get over it already, move on. But everything keeps bringing me back to those feelings - everything around me is mocking me. The shows on television, the junk mail on my coffee table, the fucking smiling beautiful couple pushing their stroller with their infant inside as they walk past me...and I only have a mere dog.
I've failed. And although I know it's not the end - in fact, it's very far from it - I'm struggling to move past it. I'm treading water in the deep end but I just can't seem to keep up. And the pills are gone, and it's not appropriate to drink in the morning - just like it's not acceptable to scream FUCK YOU WORLD to the sky in the parking lot of the grocery store after you're all wet from a rain you didn't see coming. And to put the delicious red cherry on the sundae, someone you love falls ill and now you find yourself riddled even further with thoughts of death and sadness. And before you even knew what was happening you're so full of rage that you just can't keep pent up inside any longer, but when you try to let it out it escapes you in the form of hysterical laughter.
There came a moment when I finally thought I was all out of tears. It was that moment that the sky opened up and took over for me. Rain came gushing out onto the streets, pouring onto the grass and washing the dirt down into the sewers. Part of me wanted to stand in the rain hoping it would cleanse me and wash me clean, but I couldn't bare to go outside.
Even the shows on television are mocking me. Curled up on the couch I feel like I want to avoid the world forever, but I know that as the hours tick away, Monday draws closer than ever and before I know it my alarm clock will sound and I will venture out into the world again.
I don't want anyone to look at me, and I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk about your weekend you spent with your family. I don't want to hear about your kid's baseball game. I don't want to hear how you sat around on Sunday and celebrated Father's Day in the nice weather while you ate perfectly cooked hamburgers and laughed at family memories. Hell, I couldn't even pick up the phone to call my own father today and even though I feel bad, I don't feel bad enough to dial those numbers.
The rain has stopped and the sun is peeking out from behind the clouds again. I wish the rain never stopped and that the day turned to night. Right now I only wish I could sleep for weeks.