Just keep moving along. Everything here is a lie.
Spring lurks in the distance and my teeth are hurting again. I'm sleeping better than usual these days, yet I'm drinking more water before I go to bed. I've gotten into the habit of peeing with the bathroom door open in the middle of the night in case a centipede should start chasing me. I need a place to escape.
The pillow doesn't quite comfort my head any longer, and I do the only thing I know to do to make my outside feelings match the ones swirling around my brain. I'll try my hardest to refrain from the usual items I seek solace in, but it won't be long before I have a pack of smokes, a drink, and maybe a couple of pills in front of me. Quite frankly, I disgust myself.
Complacency is so rampant in my life, and the longing for change never seems to subside. I'm sick of pretending that things are just fine. How are you doing today?
Winter holidays are so far away and I'm mad at SPRING for waking me up with the sunlight shining through my curtains. I was certain I had covered up all the places where the sun could shine through. The breeze from the fan is comforting, but I don't see how that's any damn different than the cold in the winter time. These days in this year feel like I'm not ready for anything at all.
Accepting these days seems hard enough, but as much as I try to quell these unjustified thoughts, suddenly I'm lost once more. Fraudulently wandering the streets of my city, I wish someone would just grab my shoulders and shake me and beg me to wake up.
I tried to shake myself awake, but I was still in a dream.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday Brain
There are times I convince myself that I like living in the land of unrest. It's this crazy place where everything seems to be nocturnal, even the sunrise. Once a frog came up to me and licked my shoe at three in the morning while I was walking down University in search for a milkshake. We smiled at each other and I pointed him in the direction of the nearest Super America. It wasn't until I crossed Cretin that I realized he was wearing a pair of Converse.
If it smells like trash it probably is trash, although I can't smell my thoughts so I'm not quite sure how to properly judge them. When I'm feeling creative I make a steak and try to eat it with a butter knife, and I leave the steak sauce in the fridge to help stir imagination. Often I find myself contemplating how different my life would be had I made alternate life choices. What if instead I was an architect or a nurse? Maybe I never went to college and smoked joints in a studio apartment all day? Or perhaps I became a lesbian that lived in the suburbs and drank iced tea on Sunday? Better yet, what if I was the person that got to name streets in a new town? I bet everyone would want to be my friend.
Sometimes the clock moves too slow. I'll stare at it just sitting there up on the wall and I'll yell a little bit. It never responds, but if it could I'm sure it would tell me to quit yelling. There are certain Mondays that I'll bring my yells to the local bar and secretly yell everything I say. Most people think I'm just talking, but I'm laughing inside from yelling so much. I try not to yell on Tuesdays because the vibe of the world is just so much different than Monday.
When it's yesterday from this Wednesday I plan on drinking tall beers while I sit outside on my front step and watch the cars go by. I might drink wine straight from the bottle, but either way I'll be working on drinking. Anything to get rid of this Monday Brain.
If it smells like trash it probably is trash, although I can't smell my thoughts so I'm not quite sure how to properly judge them. When I'm feeling creative I make a steak and try to eat it with a butter knife, and I leave the steak sauce in the fridge to help stir imagination. Often I find myself contemplating how different my life would be had I made alternate life choices. What if instead I was an architect or a nurse? Maybe I never went to college and smoked joints in a studio apartment all day? Or perhaps I became a lesbian that lived in the suburbs and drank iced tea on Sunday? Better yet, what if I was the person that got to name streets in a new town? I bet everyone would want to be my friend.
Sometimes the clock moves too slow. I'll stare at it just sitting there up on the wall and I'll yell a little bit. It never responds, but if it could I'm sure it would tell me to quit yelling. There are certain Mondays that I'll bring my yells to the local bar and secretly yell everything I say. Most people think I'm just talking, but I'm laughing inside from yelling so much. I try not to yell on Tuesdays because the vibe of the world is just so much different than Monday.
When it's yesterday from this Wednesday I plan on drinking tall beers while I sit outside on my front step and watch the cars go by. I might drink wine straight from the bottle, but either way I'll be working on drinking. Anything to get rid of this Monday Brain.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Life List
April 24, 1986. 1:37 PM. Rain. Concern. Birth.
1. Tears, piss, and dependence
2. Growth. Learning to become a person.
3. Excitement and anticipation. Pain and blood... lots of blood. Fear and recuperation.
4. Life is better with a pink convertible
5. The dress is plaid, ok? I know it's your favorite.
6. It was early and the snow was so sparkly
7. Do I really need to know this news?
8. Baby-sitters Little Sister
9. A change. A new last name. Now I am finally the same as the rest of them.
10. The bestworst wedding ever
11. Eleven
12. So it begins
13. Just like I always imagined. Not.
14. Trouble
15. Some sort of salvation
16. Too many eggrolls. Life is a little dizzy.
17. Spring break grounded. Again. For the fourth time.
18. A graduation and farewell
19. Time heals all wounds. There are no regrets.
20. FRENZY. FRENZY. PARTY. FRENZY.
21. I didn't puke.
22. I think we should name it Ruggles
23. He asked me dressed like a sperm. I said yes.
24. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
25. Wondrous joy and celebration. Unity of souls and everlasting passion.
26. $2,000
27. ?????
1. Tears, piss, and dependence
2. Growth. Learning to become a person.
3. Excitement and anticipation. Pain and blood... lots of blood. Fear and recuperation.
4. Life is better with a pink convertible
5. The dress is plaid, ok? I know it's your favorite.
6. It was early and the snow was so sparkly
7. Do I really need to know this news?
8. Baby-sitters Little Sister
9. A change. A new last name. Now I am finally the same as the rest of them.
10. The bestworst wedding ever
11. Eleven
12. So it begins
13. Just like I always imagined. Not.
14. Trouble
15. Some sort of salvation
16. Too many eggrolls. Life is a little dizzy.
17. Spring break grounded. Again. For the fourth time.
18. A graduation and farewell
19. Time heals all wounds. There are no regrets.
20. FRENZY. FRENZY. PARTY. FRENZY.
21. I didn't puke.
22. I think we should name it Ruggles
23. He asked me dressed like a sperm. I said yes.
24. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
25. Wondrous joy and celebration. Unity of souls and everlasting passion.
26. $2,000
27. ?????
Monday, April 22, 2013
Mirror
I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor this morning pondering things like, is it acceptable to eat chips and guacamole for breakfast and 50 ways I could eat a fried egg. I brought my coffee in there to help me gain perspective but I ended up looking up at the water stained mirror, realizing that a bath mat is not the most comfortable place to sit. I could take a shower and use the bathroom for what it was intended for, but that would completely defeat the purpose.
A couple of years ago I thought that it would be wise to hop on a plane and fly into Canada where I could make a life for myself hiking and building huts in the forest. That same year I called my dog a jerk and didn't feel bad about it at all.
It was my birthday in 2006 and it wasn't until I got to the elevator that I noticed he must have been trying to catch up with me once our class had dismissed. "Happy Birthday" he spoke, slightly out of breath. I just said thanks, flashed him a smile because it felt appropriate, and stepped into the elevator without another word. Years later he brought me a present to share and I responded with anger and obscene gestures. That was the one day I made him cry, and I know I'll never stop feeling like a terrible person whenever I remember that day.
More and more I use humor to deflect situations where I might actually have to open up about myself. I fear getting close to people because someday they'll be gone. I've avoided the red-handled tool I once sought comfort with, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it from time to time. My aunt taught me that top-the-tater is a wonderful dip for Nacho Cheese Doritos, and that's something I think about all the time.
Recently I began eating salad for lunch and I liked it so much I went out and bought two more containers of sunburst tomatoes even though I still had three unopened containers in the fridge. I prefer to run errands early in the morning, and sometimes it's better with just a little bit of green.
The coffee has gotten cooler. Perhaps it's time to drive.
A couple of years ago I thought that it would be wise to hop on a plane and fly into Canada where I could make a life for myself hiking and building huts in the forest. That same year I called my dog a jerk and didn't feel bad about it at all.
It was my birthday in 2006 and it wasn't until I got to the elevator that I noticed he must have been trying to catch up with me once our class had dismissed. "Happy Birthday" he spoke, slightly out of breath. I just said thanks, flashed him a smile because it felt appropriate, and stepped into the elevator without another word. Years later he brought me a present to share and I responded with anger and obscene gestures. That was the one day I made him cry, and I know I'll never stop feeling like a terrible person whenever I remember that day.
More and more I use humor to deflect situations where I might actually have to open up about myself. I fear getting close to people because someday they'll be gone. I've avoided the red-handled tool I once sought comfort with, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it from time to time. My aunt taught me that top-the-tater is a wonderful dip for Nacho Cheese Doritos, and that's something I think about all the time.
Recently I began eating salad for lunch and I liked it so much I went out and bought two more containers of sunburst tomatoes even though I still had three unopened containers in the fridge. I prefer to run errands early in the morning, and sometimes it's better with just a little bit of green.
The coffee has gotten cooler. Perhaps it's time to drive.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Nonsense
I've lost the ability to reckon with my reasoning
holding onto today's comfort just because it's there
Maybe it's gone away, but I'll never know because quite frankly I don't care
Drowning in a sea of caffeinated beverages, procrastinating appendages do nothing for my image
Failing to punctuate, just swimming in a sea promoting shrinkage
Desperate for the yellow, the notes that tell me hello
Orange, rosemary, juice and marjoram
But even if I never get around to making jam
The basement still beckons me, that fellow that I never see
Writing just for giggles
My drawings look like squiggles
Knowing that they're worse than Monday after Sunday's rain
This chicken is over-seasoned
Too salty, that's the reason
Baked at 350 just like your mother said
Going back to messy head
Jumping out of my twin bed
Falling to the ground below
Just like this fucking April snow
holding onto today's comfort just because it's there
Maybe it's gone away, but I'll never know because quite frankly I don't care
Drowning in a sea of caffeinated beverages, procrastinating appendages do nothing for my image
Failing to punctuate, just swimming in a sea promoting shrinkage
Desperate for the yellow, the notes that tell me hello
Orange, rosemary, juice and marjoram
But even if I never get around to making jam
The basement still beckons me, that fellow that I never see
Writing just for giggles
My drawings look like squiggles
Knowing that they're worse than Monday after Sunday's rain
This chicken is over-seasoned
Too salty, that's the reason
Baked at 350 just like your mother said
Going back to messy head
Jumping out of my twin bed
Falling to the ground below
Just like this fucking April snow
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