If only

I wish I could just escape to the river today.

Drinking Arbor Mist or my own little bottle of rum.

Deedly dum.

Some days I wonder

Is this real life? Was I dreaming? Am I awake or am I still sleeping? 

I'm floating and my brain is racing. I've drifted into a different world - A world I thought I would never see. 

Is this me?

Storm Clouds on Sunday

I read my horoscope this evening.

"There can be some side-tracking in your life these days due to a basic yearning for something more than just mundane existence, dear Taurus, and this is especially the case today and tomorrow. It's not a bad thing to yearn for more - in fact, without dissatisfaction, progress may never be made."

Dissatisfaction. Is this truly a good thing? Is this progress that I can't even see?

To say I've been side-tracked is an understatement. Chaos has ruled my days, but I can't really find the source of the chaotic storm. To further complicate things, living life one handed is frustrating and most days the pain won't quit radiating from my shoulder. Sleeping is impossible, and when it comes I'm grateful and surprised. I'm certain the sleep can be attributed to the pain medication... the sweet, sweet pain medication. My brain is in a fuzz, but I kind of enjoy the numb feeling.

But this Sunday the rain came. Water came pouring out of the sky as thunder roared through the clouds. My soul shook and I can feel the breeze coming in. I can feel that things are changing.

It feels like the sun is coming out soon.

Hello Russia

Nice to meet you. I enjoy vodka and cold weather. It seems we may have something in common.

Hello.

Short

I think I would like to open all the windows in my house, build a blanket fort, and turn off the lights. I'll bring pillows, cheetos, beer and vicodin.

Such a wonderful life.

There were fireworks in the sky this time

This morning I stood in the shower for longer than usual, contemplating whether or not I wanted to sit down and take a showerbath. I opted not to, even though I knew it would feel wonderful. I spent most of my time scrubbing my hands in an attempt to scrub the smell of last night's cigarettes out of my fingertips, yet even now I swear the smell still lingers. I don't regret it though. The cigarette paired nicely with booze and conversation, and I had not quite enough of any of those things last night. I sat at the bar stool and let my feet dangle while I rested my elbows on the counter top, and I pondered the week ahead as I forgot about the week before. I told myself I'm going to be better. I'm going to have a little fun. And I realized that my company saw I was lost in my thoughts so I forced myself to snap back to the reality I desperately sought to escape. No dice this time.

I'm going to teach myself to talk again as soon as my coworker stops slurping soup every day at noon. One of these days I will sit down and talk for hours and at the end of the time I might even feel like life is good. One of these days I'll write a song again just like one of these days I'll start working on my garden. No brussels sprouts for me, thanks. I'd much rather plant dill.

This fourth of July I might play Edward 40 Hands and go watch fireworks down by the railroad tracks. I could wander to the nearest hotdog stand and request a bowl of soup, and wait anxiously as they check the menu and tell me it's impossible. Nothing is impossible, I'll tell them as I run towards the stoplight. The ice cream man will be my saving grace as he hands me a Sonic the Hedgehog ice cream with those bubblegum eyes. Oh yeah, those bubblegum eyes. 

Funny enough the dollar store was all sold out of bubbles, so I bought sprees instead. Wouldn't it be just my luck to open the container to find it's filled with those disgusting yellow candies. 

Fuck.

I hate flavored coffee more than anything

There was a night were I tossed and turned throughout my so-called sleep, and when I woke in the morning I felt like summer even though it was clearly spring. It was a night filled with intense dreams and vivid colors - something I haven't experienced in quite some time.

While at work I ended up breaking down completely. Provoked by MOBS my attitude changed from quiet to bawdy as I began vomiting curse words and raising my voice. It wasn't until I ran outside of the building that I realized I was desperate for air, and as soon as I finally got a good breath of air I started crying. Another morning where tears are my alarm clock.

Often when my thoughts start to overcome me I'll aimlessly browse Amazon for items I might like to purchase. I'll load up my cart with numerous objects, and right before I'm ready to click "purchase" I'll log out. Sometimes I'll rifle through the medicine chest hoping to find something to comfort me, and when I find nothing I'll go watch TV. I'm perplexed by my own wandering, enough so to write it down... even if it isn't always the complete story.

One day I'm sure I'll write it all, but I just have to figure out how. Perhaps it'll be easier after a bottle of wine.

Jagged Little Pill

Sunday melancholy and cartoons. 

Right now I just don't understand the purpose of this blog any longer. 

I think zebra and horse teeth are scary.

Hunger pangs shoot through my stomach, but I just ate dinner.

Yes, ma'amazon.