Everything in my life lately appears to be some shade of blue. Sometimes I'll see a random taxi cab drive by me, and even the bright yellow seems to have a blueish tint. Winter has been too long, and it's not even close to over. I try to remember what it's like to smell grass and rain, but my nose is dry from the cold and the only thing I smell is the desperation of my body longing for spring.
I've always loved winter - the cold air, the peacefulness of nature as it hides under a blanket of snow and ice. But it seems like every winter I make promises to myself that never come true. I'm going to find the winter carnival medallion. I'm going to attempt to learn how to snowboard. One Saturday morning I woke up and thought about how fun it would be to get outside and build a snow fort. I resigned to covering myself with a white blanket on the couch instead.
I fear that I'm lost in some sort of deep depression, but I've managed to convince myself that I'm not. I've become a functioning depressed person. My depression is completely invisible to those around me, and then only things that are really affected are my dreams - that, and whatever mental balance is left in my head.
I'm manic. Switching between a mental state of happiness and melancholy. My brain is constantly screaming at the things around me, but I just smile and laugh. I'll cope by buying a new journal, filling eight pages with frantic writing, and then I'll stash it somewhere in my house never to be written in again.
Spring - please come soon.
